Finding peace under my desk
…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
When I was younger, my mother used to speak unfair words. Unkind ones. Ones chosen to hurt. There is something cruel about it, somebody going out of their way to search for that one thing that could make you recoil and hide away. I always hid under my desk when something like that happened. I felt safe there. Since the desk was quite deep and positioned in a corner, she could never find me when I was under there. I even spent some nights on the ground, gazing up with puffy eyes at the pulp-like surface, wrapped in the covers I pulled from my bed. The surface of the desk was smooth and yet nothing like real wood.
I remember the calmness that fell over me once I curled up there. I could think clear again and I felt protected.
It has been a long time since I have laid down under that desk, or any desk for that matter. I grew out of it, so to say. I have moved out of that house for a while now. That desk has been standing there in my childhood home, unattended for the past 15 years.
…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
I still cannot handle words yielded like a weapon very well if they are swung around by people I trust and love. Luckily, the people who surround me are one of the most softhearted and kind people I know. But we all sometimes slip up. A few days ago, I was struck by a comment that was meant to hurt and shut me down. I suppose I still know only one way for handling those; I hide.
For the first time in 15 years, I found myself back under a desk.
It was a bit more cramped than I remembered but considering I have now added mass and height that should not be a surprise. Laying there in the dark, I studied the grain of the wood in the streetlight falling through the window. I felt the calmness that I was looking for folding over me. I had to stifle a giggle, thinking that now I was grown up they probably could see me thanks to my feet sticking out at the end.
There is something about that place that can comfort me like nothing else. And sometimes comfort is all someone needs. Staring up at that unreachable ceiling, until you see transparent rings of light dancing in the corner of your eyes.
Feel the weight starting to lift, ever so slowly.
…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
"Be careful with your words. Once they are said, they can be only forgiven, not forgotten." -Unknown