Indifference, the pesky thing that shows up when it's too late
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Due to moving around a lot when I was younger I have a very fragmented friend group. One or two people in this city, one or two there. I used to know more people, but (alas, my parents were right when they said) at a certain point you need to make choices. I'm actually okay with this, not everyone can be your best friend and people just change over the years.
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Groaning over a cup of coffee, I am trying to find the right way to go about this. I am in a pickle and this little rat just wants to get out of it.
An old friend is angry with me and the only thing I feel is apathetic. Apathy and after some back and forth via text, dread to ever talk again. Apparently, we "have" to talk. No one ever has felt good after receiving such a text. I don't think we have to. I think she wants to, but I certainly don't. Which is strange, because normally I like to talk things through with my friends when they are angry with me. Why do I feel so lazy and unbothered? Is it because we see each other only 4 times a year? Is it because she has no idea what is going on in my life and does not take the time to even try? Is it because in the last years she quite often cancelled our plans, went silent for some weeks to suddenly appear again and we had to drop everything? Is it because, despite everything, I thought that was okay and just the way our friendship evolved but now I'm the one being blamed? Is it because, strange as it may sound, our connection became too distant so even if she is angry I cannot find it in me to take it personal and serious? Squirming uncomfortably, I decided to talk to our mutual friend who she also reproached for all sorts of things.
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"But it's like, I don't FEEL anything you know?" I started "I understand she is hurt, you cannot argue with feelings. But I don't think it is fair to suddenly drop this on me after 3 or 4 months. She never said anything and now she want to unload it all." I was aware of how whiny I sounded.
"She had always difficulties with expressing herself." Our mutual friend said.
"Yes but see that is not the problem. The problem is that, well, I don't mind that she is angry."
"... yeah."
"I understand that she is angry, I am willing to listen. But, I don't really care for the result. To still be friends or not." I was silent for a while. "God that makes me sound awful."
"No, you just became indifferent. I am equally as awful then." My friend stared at the road in front of us. "I have been feeling like this for a long time. We... You just grew apart." It was then I was reminded that she and our mutual friend used to be best friends when they were younger. But as with everything in life, things happen.
"It's like, the passion or the actual caring is gone. It's worse like this, the feeling of not even wanting to start to fix it." I said softly. "I don't want to fix it." My confession was left hanging in the air.
"Then it's no longer fixable." They answered. They turned to look at me. "We could still, for the sake of old times, hear her out. We owe her that."
I sighed and kicked the tip of my shoe in the dirt. "Yeah...Maybe we could ask the bus to kindly drive over my feet?" I suggested hopefully.
My friend laughed and said "You really want to put yourself in a situation where you cannot run away from her?".
I grinned and gave them a little shove. Then I got serious again. "I am sorry."
"I am sorry for you too. I have been there longer, so I am less inclined to feel guilty about it. It is what it is." They reached for my shoulder and softly squeezed it.
Some friendships just never feel like a chore.
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Maybe the way my friendships end are telling of the kind of person I am. Maybe one day I can become a better person because of it. For now, the only thing I can do is try to fight the indifference and allow things to have a decent ending.
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Read this wonderful blogpost by Reverie that describe beautifully how this friendship feels; faded.