It makes me reel, even though I am entitled to it

16 Oct, 2023

…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ

Recently, my right elbow has had surgery since I could not fully bend it anymore. Sad cause for this misfortune to happen; lifting a too heavy bag. If there ever was a more sorry notice of your own aging, please send them to me.

I had a little 'got-you-there-moment' when I realized it was my right elbow and I am a lefty. A friend of mine was so kindly to point out, when I boasted about the fact that I could still handle most of the everyday stuff, that it sounded more like a drowning man clutching at straws. Of course they were right, but I have not yet fully come to understand why I find it so hard to recognize that I need to take time to let this heal.

I am legally entitled to take a month off to recover and yet I am working today. Why?
Why do I find it terribly difficult to rest and to ask for help, even from my partner. I see work everywhere that I am unable to do and I cannot sit still without feeling guilty. Why?
How come that on an ordinary day when work is calm I find no qualms in writing a blog post about taking a dump, but when a doctor tells me I need to rest some viking ancestor's blood in me rises to the surface and forces me to prove my colleagues, my friends and even myself otherwise?
I had to use gravity to get in my pants today, this is the state of affairs. As if lying on your back to get in to a piece of clothing is not an obvious sign.

I just want to lose this terrible sense of guilt, that keeps me from using the prescribed time off. Is it maybe something instilled in me, culturally, that sick people are freeloaders and working hard is the way to receive recognition?¹ Even if I would take the time off now, the guilt would make me do other work in my apartment instead.

What do I do currently? I sit miserable at my screen, pretending to work while typing with one hand. I am going to console myself tonight with powdered doughnuts and a pillow fortress.

Left handed wave from a miserable rat,
…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ