Re: a life lived diligently
Hi Misha! I've read your post a life lived diligently, and it made me want to write to you.
When I was younger, I dreamed every day of becoming a product designer. I had convinced myself I was going to go study abroad, become self-employed, and the riches and fame would be mine.
Of course, I would first struggle and live according to the poor, depressed artist aesthetic, after which I would be discovered and prove everyone wrong about not chasing your dreams. My peers would see me on TV and gawk. Grand finale: let the curtain fall; everyone applauds.
I'm happy to say none of that came true.
As one who has passed the 20s, allow me to tell you why.
The truth is, your 20s are a little bit of a bitch. These are the years someone can either be going steady with a child on each hip or they can be partying 'til the sun goes down. Comparison is hard to keep at bay since everyone is going at a different pace and everyone seems to be better at it than you.
What no one tells you, however, is that the 15-year-old you, while dreaming all these scenarios, is chasing an image. An image of what you think you want. Your 20s—that's where you figure out what you actually want.
The fact that you feel uncomfortable means you're still searching for it. And that's okay!
Reality is a combination of wants, hopes, and, sadly, responsibilities. And in these uncomfortable years, we should be kind to ourselves.
Look at you! You're getting a paycheck and paying your bills at 24! That is something to be proud of; I'm not joking!
I remember that clawing in my chest, telling me I had failed and became just like all the other grown-ups that I had vowed to never end up like. I lost countless hours of sleep to it, but it was just cruelty by my own mind.
Letting go of an image that you had of yourself 10 years ago would not be giving up on your dreams, but staying fixed in that image—that would be truly giving up on yourself.
You're allowed to change perspective; you're allowed to take your time. Don't stop dreaming; listen to that goat bleating, it wants to dream. But allow yourself to let go of some, adjust while experiencing life, and search for what it is that you really are after.
You're aware of wanting more, and that's already the most important aspect.
You probably won't be one of the people who just went with the flow and realize, at 53, they regret not following their dreams. Awareness creates a different reality—a reality you can control. Because if you are aware, you can be forgiving towards yourself. Forgive yourself for choosing to be responsible; forgive yourself for choosing to live diligently. You have already grown so much; you are already so much more.
Believe me, you will have done a lot more than you would have ever thought by the time you are 35. But don't forget to enjoy it. Ignore that pesky little voice telling you to go at it at a certain pace. Ignore the 50-year-olds projecting their regrets and unawareness on you. You're doing just fine, even if you're just building a steady base to leap off once it is time.' Atta it, girl!
Cheering for you
Rat
Sorry for this long, stretched-out response... I don't want to sound condescending or disparaging about your struggle. I don't want to sound like I underestimate these feelings, on the contrary. I guess I just wish there was someone who told 20-year-old me that it was okay. It resonated more with me than I thought it would.
Now that I'm older and calmed down, I'm proud to say I did not become a product designer, but I've kept my dream of drawing silly things and watching birds. I've kept my dream of going to Japan, which, after 15 years of dreaming, I have now made come true. Life does not stop at 20, 30, 50, or 60. Any year is a good year to make dreams come true.